Listen to Your Teenager

Copyright © 2006 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.

Teenagers frequently complain that their parents don't listen and don't understand. This lack of good communication can lead to a feeling of disconnection from parents, which can put teens at risk for using drugs as a way of coping with problems. Teens who have good communication with their parents are less likely to use drugs.

Good listening involves reflecting back your teen's feelings so he feels fully heard. This is called "active listening" or "reflective listening." Parents sometimes find it difficult to listen well to their teenage children. The four major mistakes are advising, blaming, consoling, and rescuing.

The example below illustrates these four mistakes. It is followed by an example of helpful listening, which is an actual transcript of a conversation between a parent and teenager.

Teen's statement

David (age 15, angry): I hate my basketball coach! He never lets me play. Only the best kids get to play in the games. All I do is sit on the sidelines.

Examples of unhelpful listening

Advising: You should tell your coach how you feel. You've got to learn to speak up for yourself.

Blaming: What do you expect? Some of those kids have been playing basketball since they were seven years old. You never wanted to join a team when you were younger.

Consoling: I'm sure you'll improve with practice. Be patient, it takes time. Your coach just hasn't seen your potential yet.

Rescuing: I'll have a talk with your coach. It doesn't sound fair to me. That's no way to treat an eager young basketball player like you.

Example of helpful listening

Mother: It sounds like you're pretty angry at that coach, and you're feeling left out.

David: Yeah! I thought basketball would be fun. All they're interested in is winning.

Mother: You were looking forward to being on a real team, and now you're disappointed because it's so competitive.

David: Maybe team sports isn't for me. I like basketball, but I guess I'm just not that competitive. I prefer to shoot baskets with my friends on the weekend. I'll stay on the team this year, but next year I think I'll just play basketball with my friends.

Realize that your teen may need more than one conversation before reaching a resolution. If your teen wants to talk late at night, be sure to schedule another time to continue the conversation if you are too tired. If your teen cries, it's a sign that he feels emotionally safe with you. Continue to listen without stopping the tears.

It is never too late to improve your listening skills and repair your relationship with your teen. He will appreciate your efforts and gradually begin to share more of his problems and feelings with you.

Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her four books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She lives in California, and has two grown children and one grandchild.

Aware Parenting is a philosophy of child-rearing that has the potential to change the world. Based on cutting-edge research and insights in child development, Aware Parenting questions most traditional assumptions about raising children, and proposes a new approach that can profoundly shift a parent's relationship with his or her child. Parents who follow this approach raise children who are bright, compassionate, competent, non-violent, and drug free.

This page was created on November 22, 2006 and updated on November 30, 2006. Copyright © 2006 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.

Warning/Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended to be used as a substitute for medical advice or treatment. When children display emotional, behavioral, or medical problems of any kind, parents are strongly advised to seek competent medical advice and treatment. Some of the suggestions in this article may be inappropriate for children suffering from certain emotional, behavioral, or physical problems. Aletha Solter, The Aware Parenting Institute, and Shining Star Press shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly by the information contained in this article.