Supernanny: Alluring and Deceptive

Copyright © 2006 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.

The book, Supernanny, by Jo Frost, as well as the TV series based on this approach, describes an alluring approach to discipline that appears to produce quick and easy results for families struggling with discipline problems. The approach seems to be benign and effective.

Some positive aspects of the Supernanny TV series are that Frost takes a strong stand against corporal punishment, and she emphasizes the importance of spending time with children, playing with them, and helping them feel appreciated and loved. She corrects parents who yell at their children and who have overly high expectations for them. She recommends supportive interventions for children with special needs, and she shows parents how to mediate between two children who are fighting. She also helps parents support each other and obtain support from neighbors and community. These kinds of interventions with families are extremely helpful, and are also consistent with the Aware Parenting approach. While I applaud these aspects of Supernanny, I am disturbed by the recommended approach to discipline, which I fear can be potentially damaging and can lead to later problems.

An authoritarian approach

The Supernanny approach to discipline is based on the assumption that parents should control their children with punishments and rewards. According to Frost, discipline problems often stem from insufficient control and consistency on the part of parents. To gain more control, she recommends the use of both punishments and rewards.

Although Frost claims that her approach does not involve punishment, it is, in fact, a punitive approach. One of the main techniques she recommends to get children to stop "misbehaving" is the use of the "naughty step." This is a step on a stairway where the child is told to sit for a few minutes to think about what he did. If no stairway is available, then a special chair or a corner of a room can serve the same purpose. This technique is identical to the method known as "time-out," a punitive approach which I do not recommend. Isolation and temporary withdrawal of love and attention make children feel angry and insecure. (See my article, The disadvantages of time-out at www.awareparenting.com/timeout.htm.)

To get babies to sleep through the night, Frost recommends the "controlled crying" method (also known as the "cry-it-out" approach). Parents are advised to leave a crying baby alone in his crib for increasingly longer periods of time until he learns to fall asleep alone and sleep through the night. I have explained repeatedly in my books and articles why babies should never be left alone to cry. When a baby cries and nobody responds, he loses trust and confidence in others, becomes terrified, and feels powerless. (See my article Crying for comfort: distressed babies need to be held at www.awareparenting.com/comfort.htm.)

For temper tantrums, Frost recommends walking away from the child or sending him to time-out. I do NOT agree with this approach. I recommend staying close to the raging child and being a supportive witness for the child's emotions. This closeness will help children feel loved while allowing them to release painful emotions. (See my article Understanding Tears and Tantrums at www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm.)

In addition to the use of time-out, Frost’s other main tool for controlling children’s behavior is through the use of praise and attention, star charts, and numerous other rewards. Apparently, she is not familiar with the hundreds of research studies on the pitfalls of rewards, specifically those demonstrating that rewards can backfire by undermining children’s intrinsic motivation.

Long-term consequences

The most worrisome aspect of the Supernanny approach is that, in the short term, this alluringly quick and easy approach to discipline will probably work. It will produce obedient children who sleep through the night, fight less with their siblings, behave politely at the table, do household chores, and who are generally easier to live with. This will reassure the parents, who will then think that they are doing the right thing. What parents will not realize, however, is the insidious damage this approach can do to their relationship with their children and to their children's self-esteem and mental health. Parents will also fail to realize that they may run into serious difficulties when their children become adolescents.

By using rewards and punishments, parents teach their children to go through life looking for immediate gratification and avoiding immediate painful consequences (the pleasure/pain principle). I worry about what will happen when these children meet someone later on who offers even more interesting rewards, such as a cocaine dealer or a con man who promises immediate wealth. These children, having learned their lesson well, might simply switch their allegiance to these people who offer more enticing rewards than their parents. The attraction to drugs is even more likely to occur when children reach adolescence with pent/up stress from not being allowed to cry. Furthermore, a teenager who is afraid of being punished will want to rebel, and he will naturally try to conceal his behavior from his parents.

The Aware Parenting approach

The goal of parenting should be to teach children to think about the long-term consequences of their actions and to be wary of anyone who tries to manipulate them with the allure of short-term rewards. To accomplish this, we must avoid all use of rewards or punishment with children. The two important questions to ask are: "How do you want your children to behave?" and "What should be the reason for this behavior?" Do you want your children to help with household chores because of the special treat you have promised? Or because they appreciate cleanliness and order, feel part of the family, and want to do their part? Do you want your children to avoid taking drugs because they are afraid of being punished? Or because they respect their bodies and are aware of the dangers of drugs?

The Aware Parenting approach to discipline is neither authoritarian nor permissive. Rather than resorting to the use of punishments or rewards, it teaches parents to look beneath the surface to discover the underlying reasons for behavior problems, and to address those reasons at their source rather than try to change superficial behaviors. Possible reasons for "misbehavior" include unmet needs, lack of information, and painful emotions or unhealed trauma. Sometimes the root of a problem goes way back to the parent's own childhood traumas, which can prevent the parent from responding appropriately to the child or meeting the child's needs. To elicit cooperation in children, Aware Parents first establish a close relationship with their children and then build on the children's nautural desire to cooperate. Effective discipline is rooted in recognizing and meeting children's needs, and there is no quick and easy approach. (See my articles Why do children "misbehave"? at www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm and Family Meetings at www.awareparenting.com/familymeetings.htm.)

The Aware Parenting approach, if done correctly, will also produce children who sleep through the night, do not fight much with their siblings, behave politely, and are willing and eager to cooperate. However, it accomplishes these goals in an entirely different way than the Supernanny approach. Furthermore, it enhances the parent/child relationship as well as the children's self-esteem and mental health. Children raised with the Aware Parenting approach do not rebel during adolescence and they grow up to be compassionate, competent, nonviolent, and drug free.

Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her four books, The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids, have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She lives in California, and has two grown children and one grandchild.

Aware Parenting is a philosophy of child-rearing that has the potential to change the world. Based on cutting-edge research and insights in child development, Aware Parenting questions most traditional assumptions about raising children, and proposes a new approach that can profoundly shift a parent's relationship with his or her child. Parents who follow this approach raise children who are bright, compassionate, competent, nonviolent, and drug free.

This page was last updated on March 6, 2008. Copyright © 1998 by Aletha Solter. All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical (including copying to other web sites, and including translations), without written permission from Aletha Solter.

Warning/Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended to be used as a substitute for medical advice or treatment. When children display emotional, behavioral, or medical problems of any kind, parents are strongly advised to seek competent medical advice and treatment. Aletha Solter, The Aware Parenting Institute, and Shining Star Press shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any damage caused, or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly by the information contained in this article.