Note: this advice should not be used as a substitute for medical opinion or treatment. If illness or pain are suspected, always consult with a doctor. For more information about this approach to parenting, see Dr. Solter's books: The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids.

Question:

Our son, who recently turned three, has NEVER gone through separation anxiety until now. Not even at the "peak" time of 18 months. Both my husband and I work, and have since he was three months old. Lately, though, it's been very hard for him to separate. It's heart-wrenching to hear him say, "Promise you'll come back, mom"? and, upon return, "Oh, thank you for coming back, mom"! Sometimes he makes me pinky-swear that I'll come home! He's had the same caregiver since he was three months old. They love each other, and he's very happy with her and the other children. We haven't changed jobs. We're on a pretty routine schedule, so nothing has changed in his life. He moved to a big boy bed months ago with no problem, and potty trained at two with no problems. I don't understand why he's just experiencing this now! Can you shed some insight?

Answer:

Possible causes of your son's separation anxiety:

1. Developmental awareness of death.

Around the age of three, children develop an awareness of death. They begin to ask questions about death, and they often have new fears at this age. This could explain your son's sudden separation anxiety. He may be afraid that you will die when he is separated from you. This is a terribly frightening thought for anybody, but especially for a young child. If your son asks questions about death, answer them simply and truthfully. Reassure him that it's very unusual for someone your age to die, and that you plan to live for many, many more years. Some children are reassured to know who would care for them if their parents should die. For others, this is too scary even to think of. Be the best judge about this. If you think that your son would benefit from having this information, feel free to share it with him. While your son is going through this stage, I recommend always picking him up promptly when he expects you to. Don't keep him waiting.

2. Something he has heard or seen.

Even though there is a developmental component that may account for your son's separation anxiety, it could also be triggered by something he has heard or seen, such as a story, TV program, or current event (such as terrorism or war). Many children's TV programs and videos have frightening parts and are not appropriate for children under the age of seven or eight years. (For example, the films Bambi and The Lion King both portray the death of a parent.) Perhaps he has heard about parents who move out following a divorce, or about parents who are deployed overseas. Try asking him to talk about what specifically he is afraid of, and what he has heard, and correct any misinformation he has. And don't let him watch any movies that are frightening.

3. Stress in the home or daycare.

You can also try to be aware of any new stress in your family or at his caregiver's. It is normal for children to have increased separation anxiety when their parents are under stress or are less attentive than usual. If something has been preoccupying you (such as health or financial problems), this could cause him to feel uneasy and worried. Perhaps he is experiencing stress at his daycare that you are not aware of. His caregiver might be less attentive than usual, or there might be a difficult social situation with the other children, such as a new child who is taking more of his caretaker's attention.

Suggestions for therapeutic play:

There are several therapeutic games you can play with your son to help him release separation fears through laughter. Hide-and-go-seek is a good way to help him deal with issues of separation, and to release tensions through laughter. Take turns hiding and looking for each other. Be silly and playful. Make it easy for him to find you, and don't stay hidden too long. Another game you can play with your son is a mock chase game in which you make feeble attempts to run away, but let him catch you. You can also let him lock you up in a make-believe cage (made of chairs or cushions), and pretend that you cannot escape until he frees you with a magic key. Playing doctor can also be helpful in helping children work through fears. You can pretend to be sick, and he can pretend to help you get better, perhaps by giving you an imaginary shot or some medicine. Or reverse the roles and let him pretend to be sick. The more your son laughs during these various games, the more he will release his fears.

You will find more information about children's fears and separation anxiety in my book, Helping Young Children Flourish.

Copyright © 1998, 2003 by Aletha Solter

The Aware Parenting Institute

This page was created on November 10, 2003. Last updated on April 14, 2009.