Note: this advice should not be used as a substitute for medical opinion or treatment. If illness or pain are suspected, always consult with a doctor. For more information about this approach to parenting, see Dr. Solter's books: The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids.

Question:

I am three months pregnant and am still not 'excited' about being pregnant. This bothers me because I am concerned about bonding with my child before it's born. Is this unusual, and if not, when does the bonding process begin? And what happens if you don't bond with your child before it is born?

Answer:

The fact that you are asking this question shows that you already care enough about your child to want to bond with it. Bonding during pregnancy does not happen automatically. While some mothers feel an intense joy at being pregnant, and seem to bond to their infants immediately, others find that this takes more time. Some mothers find that when they begin to feel the baby move, usually after the fourth month, they start to feel an emotional attachment to it. So there is no reason to feel overly concerned if you do not yet feel a strong bond with your infant. Here are some suggestions of things you can do to increase your feelings of attachment to your unborn baby.

1. Talk about your baby's conception.

Some mothers find that the feelings they have about the sexual relationship resulting in the conception interfere with their ability to bond with their infant. If you have anger towards the father or any negative feelings about the conception of your child, this would be a good time to talk about that. Find someone you can trust, and tell them how you feel. If the conception was not planned, you may need time to sort out the feelings you have about being pregnant before you can fully accept your baby and bond with it.

2. Take care of your physical needs and talk about any resentments you have.

Even a wanted pregnancy can result in bonding problems if you have health problems, nausea, or other discomfort, because this can lead to resentment towards your baby. It is important to obtain adequate medical help, a good diet, and plenty of rest. It is also helpful to talk to someone about how your pregnancy is affecting your life in negative or unexpected ways.

3. Explore deeper feelings.

If you are frightened about giving birth, or concerned about your mothering ability or your financial situation, you will benefit from talking about these concerns with a supportive listener. It is normal to feel some ambiguity and anxiety about being pregnant, but it is best if these feelings are brought out in the open. Certainly, if you have had a previous miscarriage or stillbirth, some anxiety is to be expected, and this could interfere with your ability to bond with your baby. It is important to spend time fully grieving the death of your previous child.

4. Follow your baby's physical development.

To help you bond with your unborn infant, you can follow its physical changes by consulting a good picture book showing the stages of prenatal development. This will help you to visualize your infant as it develops, and to think of it as a member of your family.

5. Interact with your unborn baby.

Another good way to bond with your unborn infant is to spend about five minutes, twice a day, interacting with it. You can talk directly to your baby, sing, play music, or tell stories. You can also rub or pat your abdomen, rock in a rocking chair, or dance in rhythm to slow music. It is also beneficial for the baby's father to do these things. Once you begin to feel your infant move, wait until you feel movement before initiating interaction. Then you can respond to its kicks and movements by gently pressing your abdomen. Tell your baby that you love it and welcome it. Studies have shown that prenatal enrichment exercises such as these not only help parents bond with their unborn infants and become better parents, but also result in babies with larger head circumference and enhanced motor, cognitive, social, and language development after birth compared to control groups.

Copyright © 1998, 2003 by Aletha Solter

The Aware Parenting Institute

This page was created on November 10, 2003. Last updated on April 14, 2009.