Note: this advice should not be used as a substitute for medical opinion or treatment. If illness or pain are suspected, always consult with a doctor. For more information about this approach to parenting, see Dr. Solter's books: The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, and Raising Drug-Free Kids.

Question:

My six-and-a-half year old is a terrible eater. He refuses to try new items, and literally only eats about six things: peanut butter and jelly, pizza, spaghetti, cheerios, oatmeal, milk, juice (100% fruit), and a few other things, but really that is about it. When we go anywhere for dinner or a holiday, it's very hard and almost embarrassing because he will not eat anything. I refuse to make him special meals anymore, but would love some suggestions on how to approach this problem . He is healthy, and I do give him a multi-vitamin, but would welcome some suggestions.

Answer:

Between the ages of two and eight years of age, children are typically picky eaters, and eat less than their parents think they should. Many children this age restrict their preferences to a few favorite foods, as you have described with your son. This eating pattern is quite normal, because children's growth rate is fairly slow during this period. Studies have shown that children will spontaneously select a healthy diet from a variety of wholesome foods if they have not been interfered with. They know instinctively what they need. Your son's diet is not that bad, and he is probably getting the nutrients he needs. My recommendation is that you try to relax and let him eat what he wants, and in quantities he desires. When your son's puberty growth spurt begins, he will probably eat so much of whatever you serve, that you will wonder why you ever thought you had a problem!

Many of us adults have lost touch with our body's messages, and we no longer know what foods are good for us. Some people don't even know when they are really hungry, and eat only because it is lunch or dinnertime. One out of five adults in the United States is overweight. In order to avoid later weight problems and eating disorders, children need to be allowed to stay attuned to their body's messages.

It is best not to comment on what he eats, or to control his eating in any way. This will only create a power struggle between the two of you. Some parents use a reward system, by withholding a desired food until the child has eaten something the parents want him to eat. Studies have shown that this method accomplishes the reverse of what is intended. It actually decreases the child's desire in the future for the food he has to eat to obtain a reward. This is a major pitfall with the use of rewards. So it is best to avoid all rewards, as well as punishments.

You can gradually try to increase the variety of foods he eats, by building on what he likes, but without forcing him. Maybe he would like some raisins or a cut up apple or banana on top of his oatmeal. Perhaps he would eat pizza topped with vegetables such as mushrooms or zucchini squash, or spaghetti sauce made with tofu. Many children will eat fruits such as peaches, strawberries, or bananas if they are in "smoothies" (milk drinks made in a blender). Many wholesome desserts can be prepared with fresh fruits. The idea is to offer a variety of foods in attractive ways, but to let him decide what he wants to eat. You can suggest that he take one little bite of a new food before rejecting it. He might actually like it.

Another suggestion is to encourage him to help cook. Children are usually eager to eat the foods that they themselves have helped to prepare. If you have a yard, you can help him plant a little vegetable garden. Many children will eat tomatoes, cucumbers, or carrots that they have grown themselves.

There is no need to make special meals. However, it is important to have the foods available that he likes. If he doesn't want the dinner you have prepared for the family, he should be allowed to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or perhaps some left-over spaghetti or pizza. If a friend were visiting you who liked only certain foods, you would probably make an effort to have those foods available. You would certainly not try to force your friend to eat what you have prepared for dinner. The same respect should be given to children. Nothing will be accomplished by making him go hungry. This will not make him like other foods, it will only create resentment, and it will damage your relationship with him. If you go out to eat, you can bring along a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for him, and you can warn friends ahead of time that he might not eat what they offer.

I have found that eating creates many needless struggles between parents and children. When parents can begin to relax and trust their children's natural food preferences, and when the children do not feel threatened, manipulated, or coerced, they eventually do eat a greater variety of foods.

You will find more information about young children and food in my book, Helping Young Children Flourish. I also recommend the book, Preventing Childhood Eating Problems by Hirshmann and Zaphiropoulos.

Copyright © 1998, 2003 by Aletha Solter

The Aware Parenting Institute

This page was created on November 10, 2003. Last updated on April 14, 2009.